When Jamal closed that door on Cookie last week, goosebumps were totally happening because I was sure that that would mark his descent into Michael Corleone (Part II) territory. And in this episode, when he rolled up in a big black car and told Hakeem to get in and when Lucious lost his voice and started pulling a Brando, I thought we were in for a full-scale Godfather 1-2 combo. However, Jamal came to his sensitive senses, and Lucious’ voice returned.
This week’s episode kicked off with a slickly executed montage of phone calls where everyone in Cookie and the takeover squad is planning something, but not saying much about the actual plan. Hakeem needs to record one more song to complete his album, which (shocker) Empire Records still has control of. Cookie still doesn’t trust Boo Boo Kitty because she can’t do anything right, and Andre just keeps getting more tortured. Poor Andre. Hakeem randomly decides to be Matthew Knowles and make a hip-hop girl group. Because girl groups are the most drama-free thing ever, right?
Meanwhile in the most non-prison prison ever, Lucious is in the hospital ward to get his very specific medicine when the doctor reveals that his medication-authorization form is missing. *Cue creepy music.*
Jamal is doing a TV interview on a show called, I kid you not, Spilling the Tea. Because grabbing some of the hip new lingo is a must for Empire. The best part of the interview sequence was Cookie busting through the door like she’s SWAT, DEA, and your mad ass momma all rolled into one.
This episode was light on plot and new develop— I’M JUST KIDDING. LUDACRIS IS HERE GUYS! Luda appears as a crooked prison guard who is being paid off by the prosecutor to be a thorn in Lucious’ side. Jamal teleports to prison because he’s just bossy like that, and a shady defense attorney named, again, I kid you not, Thirsty Rawlings, magically appears to offer his services. Lucious wants some recording equipment to record in prison because there’s no end to to the things they can bring into this “prison.” Can’t they just slip him a MacBook and let him get his GarageBand on?
Hakeem is auditioning girls for his girl group, and in an odd twist, only Latinas have talent. Because, Empire loves all the demographics. Gap-toothed real life pop star Becky G appears as Valentina and cusses Hakeem out because she’s not familiar with the game. Girl. While Hakeem flip flops with Cookie’s band of misfits, Jamal rolls up in a big black car and offers him a spot back at Empire and a release date for his album. Cookie’s spidey senses tingled and Jamal rolled up his window super-dramatically in a classic OG dismiss move.
Lucious makes his way back to the prison doctor’s office because he needs that shot mayne, when a non-Ludacris guard sneaks him his meds and guides him to a secret recording studio where all of Lucious’s buddies are sitting around and have prepped an entire track. Because that’s just how the big dawgs roll upstate, duh. All of this is a gift from Thirsty, and Lucious wastes no time recording his new track, “Snitchin’ Ass Bitch,” which is obviously about Cookie. Burn.
Ludacris pulls a Cookie and busts into the makeshift studio at the exact moment Lucious and the Prisoners finish their first trackn. Ludacris also delivers a delicious monologue about being able to kill Lucious and no one would care. It doesn’t matter, though because Thirsty pays some thugs to steal the laptop from Ludacris after they pistol-whip him.
Back at Lucious Be Lyin, Inc. Cookie (in her hood Peggy Olson pantsuit) and the misfits argue about what is the best next move. Hakeem “uploads his album to the internet,” whatever that means. SoundCloud? Spotify? Is Hakeem the reason Sharebeast got got!?! Andre and Cookie convince him that an all-Latina group might be a good idea. Oh? Really? Good thing, Hakeem is already deep in Valentina. Andre begs Cookie to let him go from…Dynasty Records. Ugh, bye.
Andre crawls back to Lucious and asks him to take him back to the company. Lucious rejects him and tells him to go ask God for forgiveness. COLD BLOODED. Andre, through his grown man tears, asks him how he can accept Jamal after putting him in a trashcan and beg Hakeem to come back even after banging Boo Boo Kitty, “but why not me, Dad!?” Lucious has a flashback to his mom, KELLY FREAKIN’ ROWLAND, singing him a song and then, uh-oh, his mom had a mental illness and something bad happened, so this all boils down to Lucious not having a sane mommy. Side-eye Lucious. For shame.
Cookie and Hakeem are sweeping their warehouse loft, because they’re paranoid like that, when they hear Lucious’s song on the radio. One take Lyon is what they call him. Suspense and disbelief. Disbelief and suspense. Breathe, girl. Cookie says that they’ve got to move now before Lucious gets out of jail. Poor Cookie. Always running. Unfortunately for Cookie, Thirsty is turning into Oz in this bih and he’s managed to call the judge’s cards (for dirty purloined shots of the judge in a compromising position, that were surprisingly well-lit). With that little bit of “evidence,” Lucious is out on bail. #LuciousFree